my dad is a cop and i just called him and he was like “hey i have a 17 year old boy in the back of my cop car right now that i’m running him to the station” and i asked if he was cute and my dad said “Hey, my daughter wants to know if you’re cute” and the guy said “i want to say yes, sir” and my dad started laughing so hard
u ever text someone something risky and every second that they dont respond is another spike in ur blood pressure and u stare at your hand like why did u type that u fool its over the universe is crumbling to pieces this is my demise
who unfollowed me
im really fucking sarcastic for someone who’s about to start crying most of the time
|—||Patrick Stump, MONUMENTOUR Irvine (via spawkward)|
I FELL ASLEEP WHEN I WATCHING THE AVENGERS SO I THOUGHT THIS WAS AN ACTUAL LINE IN THE MOVIE THAT I MIGHTVE MISSED SO I TOLD MY SISTER “HEY THERES ONE PART IN THE AVENGERS WHERE *SAYS WHAT THE GIFS SAY*” AND SHES LIKE “OH MY GOD NO WAY” ADN SHE LOOKKED IT UP AND STARTED LAUGHING AND SHES LIKE “ANDY YOU FUCKING CUNT ITS FROM BROTHER BEAR”
"i can’t eat that, i’ll get fat"
"i can’t sleep in late today i have to do work"
"no i can’t watch a whole season in one go that’s lazy"